• March 8Nor'Easter Causes All Pelham Schools to Close on 3/7

  • March 4Speech Team nets 11 State Championship qualifiers; 2 advance to Natl Championship @ Ft Lauderdale & 2 to Nationals in DC

  • March 4Nor'Easter hits; Iona Prep loses power; PMHS takes over as last-minute host for 3/4 Speech tournament

The Pel Mel

The Ben Commandments: Humorous Advice You Never Really Asked For

Lucy Edmunds

Lucy Edmunds

Ben Glickman, Junior, Co-Editorial Editor

Q: I’m looking for a creative and memorable way to prompose to someone. Any good ideas?
A: Try recreating a classic fairy tale! Leave a trail of breadcrumbs like in Hansel and Gretel, and have a cannibalistic witch in a life-sized gingerbread house at the end spelling out “Prom?” with the charred bones of her victims! Chicks dig cute storybook themes!

Q: I’m a senior and my parents won’t let me go on a trip over spring break with my friends. What should I do?
A: One fun activity is seeing how many times in a row you can get Netflix to ask you if you’re still watching. It creates a fun mix of excitement and self-pity.

Q: The groundhog said six more weeks of winter… why?!
A: It’s absolutely ridiculous. This winter feels longer than the locker room renovations! Haha… Just kidding. Nothing is longer than that.

Q: I keep falling on black ice, and I look really stupid. What should I do to prevent this?
A: Tape two copies of Bernie Sanders’ folk and spoken word album to your feet. The sweet beats will melt that ice right away.

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The Ben Commandments: Humorous Advice You Never Really Asked For