Q: How am I supposed to survive the rest of high school without guidance from the Ben Commandments??
A: Don’t worry, you still have plenty of great role models around the school! For example, take after middle schoolers who somehow are constantly in line ahead of you in the cafeteria. They smell great AND they have a great sense of fashion!

Q: I’m a second semester senior and I’m losing all motivation. Should I do my work?
A: The only thing you should work on is you. Self care! Drink some kombucha! Sleep until 10 a.m. on weekdays! Do something spontaneous and floss! Gingivitis isn’t a joke, kids.

Q: I’m a junior and I’m stressed about applying to college soon. How do I get into the school of my dreams?
A: Show them that you’re really dedicated to going to their school. Send them something you can only send one place, like a vital organ! Send them your spleen so they know you prioritize them over staying alive.

Q: How do I get my parents on-board with getting me a new car?
A: Bribe them with something truly valuable. I would start with the phys-ed teachers’ iPads. Those must be more expensive than most hospital bills because of the number of students getting injured while the teachers stare at their Clash of Clans game.*

*This is a joke. I would never be mean about gym teachers. Sorry, I mean the Phys-Ed Dept.