Q: Are you sure you’re going to be able to take over the Ben Commandments? Those are some pretty big shoes to fill.
A: First of all, Ben wore size men’s 10 ½ and I’m in women’s 7 ½, so technically I could never truly fill those shoes unless I were to go through a major growth spurt. But if it were truly up to me, I would never have anyone take over The Ben Commandments. In fact, I would leave the entire space meant for the column empty and only replace it with an In Memoriam section, the obituary would read: “Here once stood the greatest piece of comedy the world has ever come to know. It is too soon to say goodbye to the literary masterpieces that emerged from this column, so a tombstone will be printed for every issue of The Pel Mel saying, simply, “R.I.P.” The column would exist as a spot to cry on for those who are grieving. Or a place to put your gum.

Q: How did you think of the name “Periodic Ellie-ments?”
A: The staff at The Pel Mel spent many sleepless nights thinking of the perfect name. Some of the runners-up being: The Ellie-phant in the Room, Drop the bombsh-ellie, Ellie-mentary Schooling, and Go to Elle. One of my personal favorites being: The Ben Commandments. Iconic, simple, and welcoming.

Q: Now that it’s a month into the school year and there’s no longer the added stress of making a good impression, how do I become more friendly with my teachers?
A: It’s always smart to bring them a handmade gift. Make your teachers an effigy to ward off bad spirits. In fact, go the full mile: burn sage in their classroom, find any possibly cursed objects and surround them in circles of salt, and decorate the classroom in Evil Eyes. Your teachers will be very impressed by your cultural knowledge… or terrified by it.