Q. I’m going winter camping this weekend and I’m scared of bears and freezing to death. Do you have any tips on surviving in the wilderness?

A. The main piece of advice I can give is to just not go. Seriously, camping is fun, but winter camping is all kinds of the worst. Maybe try faking sick, or better yet, fake your own death.

Q. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m trying to get my crush to notice me, any pointers?

A. Try dressing up in something that will absolutely woo them. Try a clown costume. Because when all is said and done, that’s how you’ll end up at the end of the day.

Q. I desperately need a new pair of shoes. Like. Now. Any shoe recommendations?

A. May I recommend placing your foot in a cardboard box and duct taping it? A strategy I’ve used plenty of times, works like a charm!

Q. Midterms grades recently came out and it’s safe to say I’m not a genius. How do I cope?

A. There’s no shame in crying. Actually, there is. Bottling up your emotions for years, even decades, until you fall into a state of disrepair in your mental state is the best way to cope. Start a cycle of toxic family relations with your future children and theirs to come.