Q: I’m graduating and there’s one thing I’ve been wondering. Why is the Ben Commandments so stupid? All you ever do is make fun of the Seniors.

A: All I do is unconditionally love the seniors. And they say mean things to me, like that “I’m not funny” and “I’m a loser.” It’s ok. Like the juniors forgave the school for rigging olympics, I forgive you all.

Q: Ben, you’re showing an awful lot of skin in the yearbook. Have you considered a career in modeling?

A: The only thing I’m modeling is how best to make enemies with every group in the school. Just to keep count, I’ve made fun of the football team, lovers of kale, people hosting Chanukah parties, people without significant others, the locker room renovations, people who couldn’t find a prom date, the hockey team, theater kids, the seniors, and most of all, myself. It’s been a good year.