The Ben Commandments

Humorous Advice You Never Really Asked For


Lucy Edmunds

Ben Glickman may be an Editor-in-chief, but when it comes to providing assistance, he is our adVice President.

Ben Glickman, Senior, Editor-in-Chief

Q: I’m a senior and I didn’t get a new chromebook. Why am I not given seniority???
A: Seniors in high school are one of the most oppressed groups in the world. Only the one-percent and middle-aged men have experienced similar hardships.

Q: I was on a varsity team for the first time this season, and nicknames got taken out. Why does the administration censor us?
A: They forbid cutting sleeves at Olympics, and now nicknames… What’s next to go? Our right to mice in the cafeteria and larvae in our school lunches?

Q: I won a fish at a carnival, and it must stay alive. I have never kept a goldfish alive for more than two weeks. How can I save him?
A: Your fish needs affection. If you need something extra, fill his bowl with Red Bull so your goldfish can crush his enemies.

Q: I want to become a SoundCloud rapper, but I don’t want to be judged. Any advice?
A: Model your raps after the sweet rhymes of Mr. Rothstein from morning announcements. “Your voice matters” applies to SoundCloud.