Q: My sister is a freshman and she gets on my nerves. How can I fix this?
A: Give her a shiny object to play with. I hear that infants really dig that.

Q: People keep parking too close to me on Highbrook and Pelhamdale and I’m worried I’ll hit their cars. How can I prevent this?
A: If Hot Wheels commercials have taught me anything, it’s that cars are toys that should be rammed into one another at high speeds. Step one: put car in reverse and floor it. Step two: put car in drive and floor it. Look! You’ve magically created more room!

Q: Snow came early, but I’m worried it won’t come again. Can you make sure we have a bunch of snow days?
A: Unfortunately, I can’t force snow to fall. Maybe if you make the sky really uncomfortable it will break into a “cold sweat.” Try introducing it to that group of guys who come into your phys ed class to eat their lunch and play basketball because they have nothing better to do.