The Pel Mel

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  • October 26Pelican Footballers Finish 2nd in League E, Losing to Pearl River

How to Make Sure the Holidays Don’t Turn Into the Holler Days!

Ellie O'Sullivan, Freshman, Staff Reporter

Picture this: you’re sitting at the holiday dinner table, chowing down, when one of your family members brings up the presidential election. You stare at your cousins, petrified, and brace yourself for the oncoming wave of family arguments and debates. You think to yourself, How can this happen year after year? Hasn’t anybody learned to take precautions? Most of us have had a similar experience. To avoid any further family turbulence, just follow these simple tips and tricks to have a drama-free Thanksgiving!
…..Tip #1. Turn on a football game, or the 50th showing of It’s a Wonderful Life and then throw the remote away. Put it in the garbage disposal. Do anything in your power to deter anyone from turning on the news because the less influence from the outside world that could prompt heated conversations, the better.
…..Tip #2. Take a preemptive strike and put all of your family members to hard labor. The holidays are the perfect time to start growing your business empire. After all, what better opportunity to express your capitalism-driven ideas then during one of the most capitalistic holidays. Your family members will be so focused on avoiding punishment by the overseer of the makeshift sweatshop/home, they won’t even try to talk.
…..Tip #3. Keep pepper spray on your person AT ALL TIMES. No, not for self-defense. Use it instead to spray one of your family members right in the eyes whenever a heated conversation begins to arise. Nothing will shut Aunt Linda* up better than excruciating pain and temporary blindness!
…..Tip #4. Make your house into an impossible maze; dead-ends at every turn, perilous cliffs and death-defying jumps! Make your family members question their sanity by taking their perceptions of reality away. After all, there can’t be any fighting at the dinner table if nobody can reach it.
…..Tip #5. If you couldn’t accomplish any of these tasks, and an argument still happens, just throw yourself into it! Literally. Create a scene and distract all of your family members by slamming yourself onto the table – Hulk Hogan style. Smear the cranberry sauce across the tablecloth, throw the stuffing, and disassemble the turkey! Your family will be so confused and taken aback that they’ll have no choice but to stop conversing. Make sure to act just bizarre enough to divert attention and then return to dinner as usual. Follow these simple suggestions and the only turkey present will be the one on the platter, and the only one being told to “get stuffed” will be that same aforementioned turkey.

* This comment is not meant to harm or insult any Aunt Lindas out there. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons named “Aunt Linda,” living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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How to Make Sure the Holidays Don’t Turn Into the Holler Days!