The Ben Commandments: Humorous Advice You Never Really Asked For

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The Ben Commandments: Humorous Advice You Never Really Asked For

Photo by Lucy Edmunds

Photo by Lucy Edmunds

Photo by Lucy Edmunds

Ben Glickman, Senior, Editor-in-Chief

Q: I keep writing “2018” as the date on my papers. How can I convince myself that it’s actually 2019?
A: Everyone seems to have AirPods now. Try writing “2019” on everyone’s AirPods in permanent marker, so that you can see it everywhere you go.

Q: I missed Battle of the Bands this year. How can I make up for this terrible decision?
A: You can do better than Battle of the Bands. Make a battle of the bands that’s a real battle. I want to see trombones being hurled like javelins. You don’t need to use trumpets as weapons; their sound alone is enough to cause pain.

Q: I’m trying to avoid any political arguments at the dinner table, but it’s getting kind of hard. Any suggestions?
A: Remind everyone in your family of the things that everyone can be angry about together. Everyone can agree to be mad about the fact that the hockey team will never be as good as it was in 2017. Or, why not fume about the fact that, no, your Chromebook will never really work.

Q: I’m pretty torn up about 6ix9ine going to jail. What should I use to fill the void in my heart?
A: Fill that hole in your heart with other beautiful music. I would take the wonderful sounds of pipes clanging in classrooms and Fin’s shouting in the gym as your go-to.