Periodic Ellie-Ments

Unsolicited Advice You Don’t Really Need

Back to Article
Back to Article

Periodic Ellie-Ments

Ellie O’Sullivan, Features Editor, Sophomore

Q: I checked a book out of the library and forgot to give it back, but now I feel like I waited too long to return it. How do I avoid the awkward confrontation with the librarian?

A: There are two ways you can go with this. You could keep the book and get a criminal record from a very young age. Maybe even go on the lam. Die before they send you to captivity! No institution of law can handle you! Or you could just return the book, but that’s not as fun.

Q: Driving with all this ice on the road is getting difficult. Any tips on how to navigate the snowy roads during the winter?

A: Prove to the ice on the road that you’re icier. Cover yourself head to toe with all the jewelry you own. Literally ice out. The ice will be so intimidated it’ll melt away just so you can drive easy.

Q: It feels like with all the current events going on in the world, there’s threat of imminent doom! How should I prepare for the apocalypse?

A: Believe it or not, it’s actually very easy to survive the apocalypse, and it requires what you’ve learned in school. Nuclear war? Use your chemistry knowledge to navigate the new toxic wasteland and avoid dangerous chemicals. Meteor wiping out every civilization known to man so a new institution of the Roman empire must rise? Use your Latin and history knowledge in order to blend in with the new world. Zombies? Use the agility and endurance from P.E. to run away. You could even use a peer that you don’t care for as a human shield!