The Lonely Hearts Club — Members Only or Members Lonely

Ellie O’Sullivan, Sophomore, Features Editor

Picture this: you’re at school trying to have a normal February 14 when all of a sudden a bajillion couples crowd the hallways showing public displays of affection. Revolting. It’s considerably worse when you’re not necessarily a part of any of these couples. Here are a few easy and fun tips to feel less lonesome for this lovey-dovey holiday.– Nothing feels better than seeing a cute couple get absolutely taken down. When you’re feeling especially sick of seeing couples being all warm and fuzzy in the halls, there is but one thing to do. THROW STUFF AT THEM. LITERALLY EMPTY YOUR BACKPACK AND CHUCK EACH AND EVERY THING INSIDE. That should help you feel better.

* Not in the mood for causing chaos, and just feel really lonely on the inside? Been there, bud. The absolute worst thing you could do is make brownies and watch rom-coms because that just makes you feel worse about being alone. May I recommend ordering your favorite food (preferably something messy because you don’t have to worry about looking good for anybody) and watch some really scary horror movies. Try to find a movie that specially punishes the love interests of the story. Some recommendations include: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie, Gerald’s Game, It Follows, etc.

* Not being a fan of horror movies might put a damper on the previous piece of advice, so try to get out of the mood by watching very unromantic television. Kids TV shows usually do the trick, try any episode of SpongeBob, Fred: The Show, or any installation of the Power Rangers.

* How about instead of hanging out with a non-existent significant other in a restaurant, you find a bunch of rats in a sewer and eat your dinner with them. They know nothing but survival, without any knowledge of the complexities of human interaction and relationships. This makes them nice company when you’re trying to forget about anything love related. They also have no opinion on what meal you decide to have; pizza, sushi – it doesn’t matter. It’s all the same to them.

* Who said you needed a partner to listen to smooth jazz? It’s not too expensive to hire a saxophonist to follow you around all night nd play classic tunes. Careless Whisper, Baker Street, you name it.

* If all else fails, punch things. Punch the wall, your pillow, the TV, the world is your oyster. The only thing you can’t do is punch other people or animals. We at The Pel Mel don’t condone violence.