Humor: Periodic Table of Ellie-Ments

Humorous Advice That Nobody Needs Or Asked For

Ellie O’Sullivan, Junior, Co-Editor-In-Chief

Q. These new tri-fold desk shields are just so bulky and annoying to carry around. How can I be able to lighten the load this year?

A. With all the new things that we have to juggle this year, like remembering to wear a mask, having your signed health form, and bringing a tri-fold, it’s perfectly reasonable to just ditch your backpack to make room for the new normal. Who needs education when you’re too busy not getting sick?


Q. It sucks that we can’t party hard nowadays. I miss going to ragers with my pals!

A. Who said that you can’t go to huge parties anymore! Just visit any SUNY school and you should stumble right upon those ragers that you so dearly crave. Heck, you don’t even need a party to go out and get COVID when there are presidential rallies to attend!


Q.  I’m so upset that Halloween is looking to be canceled this year! 

A. Tell me about it! Now, what am I gonna do with all these pretzels and toothbrushes that I was gonna hand out?


Q. Help! My teachers don’t understand how to use technology and my Google Meets are becoming crazy awkward.

A. At this point, trying to get your teachers to understand technology is kind of a lost cause but look at the bright side: your teachers will be too busy fiddling with their laptops to realize that they’ve wasted 20 minutes of the 35 minute period. Score! No learning today!