Periodic Table of Ellie-ments

A Humorous Advice Column Answering the Questions that No One Really Asked

Ellie O’Sullivan, Editor-In-Chief, Junior

Q. Winter break is already over! I’m not mentally prepared to go back to school!

A. Take a look on the bright side: with online school, think of “class as just one more TV program you can binge. Or, maybe it’s just one long commercial break.


Q. So, there’s no heat in my house right now. How can I stay warm without having to pay all that money for the gas bill?

A. Good question. I would start with making a fire in the middle of your living room. Should fuel ever be a problem I’m sure your parents wouldn’t need those tax papers.


Q. I need a good, family-friendly winter movie to watch with the gang. Any recommendations?

A. Die Hard is a good seasonal movie, but of course that may not be so appropriate. I suggest turning on C-Span and watching whatever hearing is going on. That’s something the whole family can agree to hate.


Q. New year, new me! Well actually, I think I need some help looking for some resolutions…

A. I would tell you to exercise more, or start journaling, but let’s be real, you won’t do either. So instead, you should make 2021 the year of stasis — of doing absolutely nothing new. If you end up doing something challenging anyway, great! If you end up doing absolutely nothing — hey, you won’t have broken your resolution! It’s a win-win.