Correcting Political Correctness

Ellie O’Sullivan, Editor-in-Chief, Junior

I’m not here to write an editorial, I’m here to be funny, actually. I felt that I should get that out of the way first.

In spite of all the terrible things that have been in the news lately — COVID, the capitol riot, the cancellation of Keeping up with the Kardashians — many funny things have been happening lately. (Funny in an ironic way…. not funny in a LOL-hold-your-sides-with-laughter sort of way.)

It seems that in the climate of ultra-political correctness, the modern-day has seen many changes being made in what should or should not be viewed as socially acceptable. In recent news, a San Francisco school district recently voted to rename 44 schools considered sullied in the name of political correctness. Such names included:  George Washington High School, Jefferson Elementary, and Abraham Lincoln High School, etc. Some of these choices are understandable: Washington, the father of the country was a slave owner, and Jefferson, while not the father of the country, was the father of four illegitimate children by one of his slaves so, though these men were responsible for some major accomplishments, these other actions are definitely not worth memorializing. Besides, they both already have a Monument and a Memorial… do they really need a middle school, too. I mean, that’s just greedy. It’s the choice of Lincoln’s name as a candidate for the chopping block that was a bit baffling. His “treatment of First Nation Peoples” was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

While some may argue that this is extreme, I don’t have a problem with holding historical figures to modern-day standards. I’m just wondering if anyone will be left! With that in mind, here are some of my personal solutions to making everything politically correct:

No more people on money: It’s been a widely debated back and forth about whether we should replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman, so here’s an option: just get rid of the people altogether. Maybe replace them with a Pokemon. Personally, I like Charizard for the $20 bill.

No more statues of historical figures: It feels like, with all of these people pulling down statues, it would be easier to just get rid of them altogether. I don’t care about what the liberals or conservatives of the future want. The future I want is to replace the Lincoln Memorial with one of those balloon guys that they put in front of car dealerships.

Eliminate History Textbooks: Listen, the history of this nation is rich with undesirable events. As long as we’re getting rid of historical figures, why devote 600 page textbooks to their inglorious accomplishments. The old saying says that “those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.” I say “those who don’t know history books are doomed to repeat Global History until they pass it!”  So, no history textbooks, no social studies requirements! If, however, you are one of those folks who is against book banning, how about we replace every unfortunate event in the textbooks with a random line from The Duck Song, everyone’s favorite internet tune.

Hopefully, if society follows these three easy tips, everything will be solved! Yep! That’s all it takes. The musings of a 16-year-old girl can solve any problems of the universe!