Periodic Table of Ellie-ments

Humorous Advice You Didn’t Need and Never Even Asked For

Ellie O’Sullivan, Editor-in-Chief, Senior

Q. I need my friends to know that I’m throwing a party this weekend, but I don’t know how to get the word out. Help!

A. Take a page out of the PUFSD’s handbook and send two emails with conflicting information and then, 6 hours later, send an email with all of the information.

Q. With Thanksgiving coming up, how can I make sure that my family doesn’t get into their annual dinner table fight?

A. There’s nothing you can do to stop a family fight, so just remove yourself altogether. Venture out to the wilderness for the evening! Forage for your meals! Eat dinner with the worms! They won’t shout over you.
Q. Early Action may be over for college applications, but my never-ending sense of dread has not left. What’s going on?

A. No need to worry about it. It’s probably nothing. What’s the worst that could happen? You bottle up your emotions for so long that eventually you become a shell of the person you once were? Please!

Q. I really need a significant other by the holidays. How do I tell my crush that I like them before we leave for Thanksgiving break?

A. Impress them with your beatboxing skills. Nothing woos a potential mate like gutteral noises! They won’t be able to think about anything else for the entire long weekend, except maybe getting you a Mucinex.