Periodic Table of Ellie-ments

A Humor Column Providing Advice to Those Who Didn’t Really Ask for Any

Periodic Table of Ellie-ments

Ellie O’Sullivan, Co-Editor-in-Chief, Senior

Q. It feels like time is moving too fast! How can I be graduating so soon? Can you give me some tips for slowing down and enjoying every moment?
A. Believe me, it may feel like it’s all going fast now, but the minute you sit down in that graduation tent under those hot robes, it’s going to feel like a century (especially once speeches start).

Q. I’m trying to keep in shape over the summer so I’m ahead of all of my classmates when we meet back in the fall. What are some good workouts?
A. Why not a morning run? Actually, there’s too many people that can get in your way at 8am, try earlier. I can assure you that nobody will bother you when you’re sprinting down the street at 3am. It works for me all the time.

Q. Are you worried at all about college?
A. Terrified! Do you think any institution would ever give me this much freedom with a pen? What if my comedic and creative genius is censored for the rest of my life? Who will enjoy the Periodic Table of Ellie-ments now???

This will be the last publication of the Periodic Table of Ellie-ments. Thank you very much to my kind readers for putting up with me, and to Mr. Schleifer, for letting me write this in the first place. Also, take that Ben Glickman! I wrote a comedy column through a pandemic! What’d the Ben Commandments ever do?