Q: I’m feeling very down with the shortened days and frigid weather. What should I do?
A: Buy a minivan, invest in the coal industry, and wait ten years. I’m sure things will warm up.

Q: How do you de-stress around midterms?
A: As you can tell by the bags under my eyes and my perpetual air of impending doom, I’m the king of relaxation. Every day before school, I lock the door to my room, scream at the top of my lungs, and cry my troubles away. That usually does the trick.

Q: I don’t want to let my New Year’s Resolution go to waste this year. What should I do?
A: My resolution is to stop making offensive jokes, but there’s no way that will happen.

Q: With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m worried I’ll be alone. What should I do?
A: Make yourself a “significant other” pillow to comfort yourself. If that’s too weird for you, nothing screams self-confidence like two pints of ice cream.

Q: A young man of Judaism like you must have nothing to do on Christmas. How did you pass the time?
A: The Torah has many teachings, but declines to mention the sacred practice of eating Chinese food. That’s about it.