Q: I don’t really like Christmas ham. Are there any alternatives that you recommend?
A: Try kale! Kale is very nutritious, and may have some subtle taste on a good day! Not to mention, it’s kosher, so you can bring it to that Chanukah party you weren’t planning on going to.

Q: Do you have any creative ideas for gifts to get my family for the holidays?
A: The best gift you give is love. A close second would be a beautiful copy of the Ben Commandments, signed by yours truly! You could also go a different route, and give your loved ones a beautiful bundle of kale! See above.

Q: I’m worried about drinking the water from the water fountains after the whole “brown water” incident. What should I do?
A: Just think of the brown water that, from time to time, pours out of our water fountains as chocolate milk — without the chocolate and without the milk. The folks in Flint, Michigan love it!

Q: I hate the cold because winter clothing is too bulky. What should I wear that’s warm and makes me look cool?
A: I recommend putting a fun new twist on old trends. For example, instead of a feather boa, wear an actual boa constrictor. You’re sure to get some interested looks