95% of PMHS Students Diagnosed with Typhoid Fever

With there only being between 150 to 450 cases of typhoid fever every year in the United States, the dormant hallways and classrooms that fill our school even sicken the healthy students. Their worries appear everywhere they go: teachers and students wearing masks, disputes over personal space, and the consistent question of what is causing the outbreak. Typhoid is historically caused by food or water contamination, but research from Pel Mel shows that the real reason is the weekly gas leaks and their subsequent evacuations that have infected the student body.

Ronald Reagan Enacts Edict for President Trump to Invade Venezuela 

With perhaps the most apparent Latin American intervention opportunity since the Nicaraguan Revolution, Ronald Reagan has risen from the dead to reach out to Donald Trump and his administration to ensure they step in and uphold American values, despite legality. He just could not let such an opportunity go to waste. Reagan speaks from a place of experience, as he was only able to back his boys, the Contras, in the war through indirect coercion and CIA operatives. The last thing he wants is for Trump to get caught in an “Iran-Contra Affair”-esque scenario, when he can do it in a fully publicly justified domain. The only thing left for Trump to do is find the reason to invade Venezuela. 

$500 Million Dollar Bounty on Alleged PMHS Scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge, the antithesis of the holidays, a holiday hater, who professed and confessed to spreading holiday sorrow, has been found roaming the halls of Pelham Memorial High School. It was apparent that someone who deserves a visit from three durational spirits was poisoning the atmosphere of the holiday season with their cynical thoughts, when the Pel Mel’s treasured, historically significant Santa statue at the back of room 112 was massacred. The Pel Mel being the jolly holiday lovers we are, had to do some reliable investigative journalism. And we began our search, knowing that the answer to this question would dishearten us to our core. 

If you know any information at all about the culprit, please reach out to the Pel Mel. There is a $500 million dollar bounty for turning this Scrooge in. In order to protect our spirit, it is imperative that Scrooge is caught and punished for their thought crimes.