I am not a tyrant. What I do for my lowly reporters is in their best interest; they just cannot comprehend what I am doing for them, what I am sacrificing. 

The so-called rebellion has been kick-started amongst a small minority of the population. They have secured major victories over us at the Battles of Dingle’s Mill and the Eastern Shore of Maryland for reasons that reflect poorly on the top general, Conor Waters. However, given that these defeats occurred deep within Revolutionary territory, I still place all my trust in Waters as my general and successor for this paper.

The leaders of this rebellion are Thomas Spadafora, Finnegan Mullen, and Luca Mileno, who are former idle editors and reporters for the Pel Mel, now turned radical. They are the real tyrants. 

Spadafora, who swears he has a cleft chin like John Travolta and Henry Cavill, is an angry, power-hungry individual, vying for any control he can get his hands on. After the failure that is his family legacy, embodied in the Warren House Museum on the Eastern Shore of Maryland (look it up, literally just a house), Spadafora used his knowledge of the area to violate every article of the Geneva Convention (and some that have not been written yet) and massacre our army. In addition to Spadafora’s guerrilla tactics, his counterpart, Mileno, is a man who is in the pocket of OpenAI and Palantir. With Mileno’s many Pel Mel AI article scares that I had to put down, we can be almost 100% sure that he is using AI surveillance technology and weaponized drones to both spy and wage war on the Associate Editor-in-Chief Triumvirate. 

And lastly, Mullen: If you fear any one of these rebels, let it be Mullen. Despite his great, tightly coiled curls, Mullen is the man behind this all. He is not a general: he does not stake his life for his cause. Instead, he remains hidden behind a pen and paper, writing the nastiest and most untrue remarks, and therefore the most dangerous, towards myself and my allies. And this is why I am speaking out. I am defending my image, my livelihood, and the Pel Mel. I am defending every person who stands behind me against the tyrants who threatened the paper’s existence.

I am writing as my army marches to Agartha, after our victories at the Battle for Instagram Reels and the Battle of the Zodiac. After laying siege to Agartha, we will force a treaty and bring back stability to the Pel Mel, whether it wants it or not.