I was recently lucky enough to catch an interview with CPMIA whistleblower Thomas Spadafora. Here is that interview.

Interviewer: Welcome, Thomas. How are you?

Spadafora: I’m good. Listen, I can’t really stay in one place too long, if you understand what I’m saying. Let’s get going.

Interviewer: Alright, what type of stuff did you do for the Pel Mel?

Spadafora: Lots of things, but officially, I was Chief of Staff for the ionization on Mars, meetings on the third Friday of every month, and the agency’s professional wrestling promotion. 

Interviewer: I want to talk about your experience with The Pel Mel and their influence worldwide. What are some places or issues of interest that people would be surprised that Pel Mel has any influence on at all? 

Spadafora: Anything bugged in there? What are these chairs made of?

Interviewer: Plastic? And no, nothing is bugged.

Spadafora: Plastic? Are you serious? That’s what they want you to think.

Interviewer: What are you talking about? 

Spadafora: I had a briefing one time, I was partnered with some guy who worked on only highly classified stuff. I chose to keep his name anonymous for his safety, mine, and now yours. But this guy told me the most jarring stories of Pel-Mel negotiations in the Middle East.  

Interviewer: Really? In the Middle East?

Spadafora: Yeah, yeah, in the Middle East. It’s interesting when you think of the Middle East and competing interests, you of course think of the Americans, the British, the French, the Russians, not the Pel Mel, but that’s why they’re there.

Interviewer: Can you give me any details? What kind of business does the Pel Mel have in the Middle East?

Spadafora: Hummus pricing, among other things, but I can’t give you any more information on that. If you feel your phone heating up, throw it out the window. It’ll save both our lives.

Interviewer: What do you mean by “heat up?”

Spadafore: Forget it, I guess, well, I’ll tell you this one story. I get invited to this party in DC, and they tell us that they have a special guest for us. The night moves along, and at some point, everyone’s looking at this door, and in comes Joe Biden. He comes over, he shakes my hand, he gives me the formalities. He turns to Ferreri and says, “I remember you, I don’t like you. You took my parking spot in 2003.”

Interviewer: Wow, what was that about?

Spadafora: I turn to Ferreri, and I say the same thing. Ferreri leaned over and whispered in my ear, “he never forgot about that, not even after 20 years. After everything, even the great hummus shortage of 04.”

Interviewer: What does that have to do with the Middle East?

Spadafora: Oh, nothing. If you want information on the Pel Mel in the Middle East, you need to ask —-

Unfortunately, this was the end of the interview. Spadafora jumped out of the back window when he heard a knock at the door and a vague but hearable “You turkey, shut your mouth!” from outside.